Pseudo News: Grandpa Larry’s Helpful Hints for Bachelors

Of course, it would seem the first advice a man with seven children and twelve grandchildren would give to a bachelor is to go out and find yourself a wife. But I am sitting here imagining the hundreds of times in the coming decades that my friendly readers might be out in the yard yelling, “Why did I listen to that fool?”

Some people are frightened by yelling people, but when you live alone, you are used to speaking to no one in particular, and yelling is just a natural extension of this propensity. I deploy the tactic frequently in moments of frustration with inanimate objects, and with the darn gravity which seems to be getting stronger every year, and contributing to the phenomenon of global weight gain. Yelling is cathartic and may even help keep the deer out of your yard.

Now, the question that is certainly plaguing every bachelor’s mind is, “What do I do with all the extra celery?” I mean, what spouseless individual can consume a whole package of celery. A bachelor myself, I use it in a soup and then there’s all this extra celery. You eat a couple stalks with peanut butter but what about the rest? Well, for the first ten respondents, I will happily send you, absolutely free, my recipe for celery and carrot soup.

I don’t believe that we bachelors eat because we are hungry, but because, if we don’t, something is going to spoil in the refrigerator. I recommend a dehydrator and a vacuum sealer. With these appliances you can turn all your leftovers into convenient trail packs for that hike on the Appalachian Trail that you have been talking and dreaming about for so long (secretly hoping you’ll meet that special girl out there on the airy heights of mountain wilderness).

I have learned that radical attacks of political disbelief can sometimes cause retired single men to pour excessive amounts of whiskey into otherwise unused glasses. This is often construed by family and friends alike as a mistake. So my advice is: leave the bottle in the pantry and just go in and swig it occasionally, thereby fooling yourself as well as the others.

Now, dear readers, go back and search my text for the word eligible. It is not there because I can’t figure out whether I am or not. If you are likewise uncertain, may I recommend my book of poetry called, “Longing”. It is all about that nagging loneliness you sometimes feel, and is in this article.

Cheers, Grandpa Larry, Hashtag #91, July 2017.

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