Pseudo News: Grandpa Larry’s Helpful Hints for Bachelors

Of course, it would seem the first advice a man with seven children and twelve grandchildren would give to a bachelor is to go out and find yourself a wife. But I am sitting here imagining the hundreds of times in the coming decades that my friendly readers might be out in the yard yelling, “Why did I listen to that fool?”

Some people are frightened by yelling people, but when you live alone, you are used to speaking to no one in particular, and yelling is just a natural extension of this propensity. I deploy the tactic frequently in moments of frustration with inanimate objects, and with the darn gravity which seems to be getting stronger every year, and contributing to the phenomenon of global weight gain. Yelling is cathartic and may even help keep the deer out of your yard.

Now, the question that is certainly plaguing every bachelor’s mind is, “What do I do with all the extra celery?” I mean, what spouseless individual can consume a whole package of celery. A bachelor myself, I use it in a soup and then there’s all this extra celery. You eat a couple stalks with peanut butter but what about the rest? Well, for the first ten respondents, I will happily send you, absolutely free, my recipe for celery and carrot soup.

I don’t believe that we bachelors eat because we are hungry, but because, if we don’t, something is going to spoil in the refrigerator. I recommend a dehydrator and a vacuum sealer. With these appliances you can turn all your leftovers into convenient trail packs for that hike on the Appalachian Trail that you have been talking and dreaming about for so long (secretly hoping you’ll meet that special girl out there on the airy heights of mountain wilderness).

I have learned that radical attacks of political disbelief can sometimes cause retired single men to pour excessive amounts of whiskey into otherwise unused glasses. This is often construed by family and friends alike as a mistake. So my advice is: leave the bottle in the pantry and just go in and swig it occasionally, thereby fooling yourself as well as the others.

Now, dear readers, go back and search my text for the word eligible. It is not there because I can’t figure out whether I am or not. If you are likewise uncertain, may I recommend my book of poetry called, “Longing”. It is all about that nagging loneliness you sometimes feel, and is in this article.

Cheers, Grandpa Larry, Hashtag #91, July 2017.

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

Submit a Comment


Magical Moments & Frightening Haunts w/ Hashtag Lewisburg City Paper this October!

Magical Moments & Frightening Haunts w/ Hashtag Lewisburg City Paper this October! - Enjoy magical moments and frightening haunts w/ Hashtag Lewisburg City Paper this October 2020! At the top of most everyone’s list this month is finding magical moments, carving pumpkins with family and friends, and setting up decorations leading up to Halloween. There’s almost too much to do when fall finally rolls around including long walks […]

Local Resources


Stay Updated w/ HashtagWV!

Want to stay updated with the paper or thinking about advertising? Sign up today for the latest HASHTAGWV monthly newsletter!

  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.

Best Things to Do in Lewisburg, WV

Best Things to Do in Lewisburg WV! - Spending a day in Lewisburg? Here are a few of the best things to do while you’re visiting. Start your day at the Wild Bean coffee shop.  Located downtown, this cafe offers premium coffee, tea, veggie cuisine, wi-fi, entertainment, and more! The breakfast menu consisting of breakfast burritos, egg scrambles, breakfast sandwiches and granola w/ […]

"Over the last 10 years, we have tried several avenues for advertising. Beyond a doubt, our greatest return has been through HASHTAGWV. Whether it be in the HASHTAGWV print edition, or online, our customers, both locals and tourists, really do look for this media form to be in tune with what’s going on in the area and for destination shopping. Advertising with LBSPY (now HASHTAG) has unequivocally been a great asset for our business!" - Craig Miller w/ Serenity Now Outfitters. Ad rates start at just $20! Click here for MEDIA KIT  

Patrick4CMPLTshrp "Hashtag Lewisburg City Paper is the best thing that has happened in Greenbrier County since I have been here for seven years. Maybe the whole state.... a first class operation and a lot of hard work," Patrick O'Flaherty (pictured above), The Irish Pub, Lewisburg, WV
Adam DeGraff "HashtagWV always has their finger on the pulse of this community!" - Adam Degraff (pictured above), (The Weight/ The Dueling Fiddlers / Pianafiddle)

Wonder How HashtagWV Remains Free?

WONDER HOW HASHTAG LEWISBURG CITY PAPER REMAINS FREE? - Wondering how Hashtag Lewisburg City Paper gets published and distributed FREE every month in-print and online? Do we have wealthy parents or did one of us seduce a millionaire? No. Are we financed by bank loans or grant money? Nope, not that either. Until we hit it BIG in the lotto, every issue of HASHTAGWV comes […]


P.O. Box 744
Lewisburg, West Virginia 24901


"Here at WHEN PIGS FLY BBQ, we get the most return advertising with Hashtag Lewisburg City Paper. New customers tell us all the time how they see our ad. They then come see us!" - Mike and Kellen, owners of When Pigs Fly BBQ, Lewisburg, WV.
"Christina, Thank you so much for the cover and the ARTICLE. Your HASHTAGWV is fantastic! We hope to grow this ride and other sports events in our area. Your magazine will do this. Again thank you from everyone in the GVBike club. Come ride with us sometime." - Janice Centa


Hashtag Lewisburg City Paper is a free, full color arts and entertainment tabloid dedicated to providing useful information in the areas of Greenbrier County, Pocahontas County, parts of Alleghany County, and more. We distribute 7,000, full color issues every month.


We are engaged in promoting local music, arts, events, dining, and shopping. We reach our audience where they live, eat, shop, drink, play, and fill up their gas tank. BEHIND HASHTAG