Our trusty Pseudo News reporter, Larry, was last seen surfing south on the the first cold front in late December. Word has it that he may be lounging by the pool at the Ritz Carlton in Sarasota, Florida, drinking margaritas, but phone calls could not confirm our suspicions. The only clue we have is a recent posting on facebook of this silly poem:

UP TIGHT
I never wait at traffic lights,
There’s just too much to do;
I clean the dash and count my change,
Jot down a note or two.

Sometimes I get so occupied
With junk that’s on the seat;
It always seems to get askew,
I have to make it neat.

And cars behind me have to honk
And tell me when to go;
It really is embarrassing
To make them angry so.

And even when the light turns green,
I’m busy while I drive.
(I carefully transcribed this poem
While going sixty-five.)

I never want to fool around,
I schedule all my time.
If I could make up zodiacs,
An ant would be my sign.

And please don’t let me sleep too long,
I need an early start
To finish all the things that I
Have stored up in my heart.

So if you see me zipping by,
And want to stop and talk,
You need to somehow find a way
To slow me to a walk,

And let me know my urgency
Has put me out of reach.
I really would appreciate
A slow day at the beach.

If there are any LBSPY’s (Larry Berger spies) going to Florida, see if you can find him and send word back to the paper. Whatever would we do with out our ridiculous reporter and all his nearly nauseating nonsense?

– Larry Berger, LBSPY #74 February 2016.