It’s a purple iron weed, blue aster, yellow leaf Fall day. Perfect for a bike ride on the Greenbrier River Trail. Wait. Let’s check the weather first. See if this Indian Summer sunshine will last. I wait for the computer to boot, burping and grinding its seductive white noise, lining up its sweet cybernothings to whisper in my ear. Google has an interactive logo today. It’s a blindfolded letter g aiming a stick at pinata star cheered on by a bouncy little o,l, and big G. By pressing the space bar I can try to hit the star and get a cartoon candy reward. Really? Do they think I’m gonna sit inside on a perfect day gunning for a virtual sugar rush?

After my 14th game I abandon this deeply dippy diversion and return to my original purpose, the weather. Might as well quick check my e-mail. Just cutesie forwarded junk. Not worth looking at. Kitties or doggies doing precious things. So twee. I don’t even open them. Wait. This one is a commercial for a product called PoohPourri. Whoa, it’s really funny. There’s this woman in a flouncy dress sitting on a toilet talking about stink and stuff. I’ve got to forward this to about 9 of my close personal friends. This is almost a funny as the Cleavage Caddy. But on to the weather. What’s this? I always ignore pop-up ads but this is from japantrendshop.com and it’s for dog muzzles that make your pup look like a duck. No really, it’s hilarious, a beak on a dog. Oh right. The weather.

Beaver secretions in food! No way. I don’t usually get sucked into those “news” items that lure you in when you sign out of e-mail but finding out that the anal mucus of a beaver tastes like vanilla and is regularly put in food under the label “natural flavoring” is really informative. It will only take a few minutes to google all the pudding, ice-cream, candy and chewing gum I’ve ever eaten to see if “natural flavoring”is an ingredient and another 15 minutes to gag, puke and brush my teeth.

Finally moving on. The weather looks good. I did actually sign out of my e-mail, right? I didn’t just close out without SIGNING OUT. Right? Because I’ve heard that if you don’t SIGN OUT some deranged hacker can harvest your cookies and suction your bank account and clone your brain and mail merge with Al-Qaeda and spot the toe fungus in your medical records and put on Facebook that you watched the PooPourri commercial 4 times. I better go back into e-mail and be sure I signed out.

Check this out. A way to keep your gutters clean with a slinky? And the trailer for “Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs #2.” Pause to add that to Netflix. Oh look, November Beauty Products: the corkscrew texture of my hair leaves the outer cuticle open? I really shouldn’t be riding a bike with open cuticles and obsolete October face cream. It’s getting dark anyway. Are scrunchies really making a comeback? Maybe tomorrow. I wonder what the weather will be?