Pseudo News: Grandpa Larry’s Helpful Hints for the Elderly.

(Before we start, let us pause and bow our heads in remembrance of the late and great Ringling Bros. Barnum and Bailey Circus)

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the famous Grandpa Larry will sit down at his writing desk at the very last minute and perform the astounding feat of coming up with some nonsense to help all you faithful readers clear your minds of political confusion. Dah, dah: more helpful hints.

1. The primary task of helping the elderly is, of course, determining just who is an “elderly”. Here are some questions to help you figure out if you fall into this category:

a. do you leave stuff out all night on the stove?

b. do you sometimes leave the window open after turning the heat on?

c. do you fall asleep with crackers and peanut butter in your bed?

d. do you lose your glasses, phone, wallet (or purse), and keys on a regular basis?

e. when talking to yourself do you discover that you sometimes can’t stop laughing?

f. do you have an inordinate fear of people with white coats?

g. do you fall asleep in the middle of the day, and find yourself wide awake at four in the morning?

h. at the grocery store and on otherwise normal errands, do you find yourself lecturing imaginary teenagers (and occasionally newspaper columnists)?

i. do you become irritated with the moon in the window, barking dogs, certain smells?

j. have you developed an affinity for things like Vick’s VapoRub, puddings and other comfort foods, slippers, and all manner of softness?

k. do you let stuff accumulate on the floor near the wastebasket because you are a lousy shot, and bending over is a bother?

2. If, by reading thus far, you have discerned that you are not “elderly” and don’t need any advice, you may quit reading here.

(Oh, wait! I’ve run out of space and the only advice I gave was to quit reading. Christina, what should I do now?)

That’s all right, Larry. I’ve had a couple good laughs. We love you, anyway. Faithful readers, don’t forget to check out Larry’s blogsite: and look for the ad for his book of poetry somewhere in Hashtag Lewisburg.

– Larry Berger, June 2017

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