Pseudo News: Grandpa Larry’s Amazing & Famous Grandchildren

Gloat! Gloat! Behold the proud grandfather with a picture of all his grandchildren. Just look at that fine bunch of grandbrats. That little guy on the left was actually no bigger than a tractor seat just a short while ago. And that silly girl in the front row is a superhero with powers and gifts beyond your imagination. Those three big guys in the back row are not really a re-imagination of the three stooges. They’re surprisingly smart. And we are taking bets for which one will bring us the first great-grandchild.

But here’s the thing. Time keeps speeding up. Every time I close my eyes and open them again it seems like something new is happening. Children, wee little children, are going off to college. Babes are reading adult adventure novels. Little kids you were just helping to tie their shoelaces are talking about flying planes.

There’s a championship bowler in there, an accomplished graphic artist, a future biologist, numerous fishermen, one celebrity look-alike and aspiring actress, chess players, wizened old sages in children’s bodies, just about everything an old grandpa could ever wish for. And who knows? Are there more to come? It is a good possibility.

I remember when I was a young man, and a friend pulled up behind my bicycle on his motorcycle and put his foot on my back fender and pushed me. At twenty miles per hour, it was fun. And twenty-five, I started to hang on a little tighter. At thirty, I was afraid the bike was going to come apart. At thirty-five, it got down right scary. I wanted to turn around and yell at my friend to stop, but was afraid I might hit a pothole or a rock?

Well, the ride came to an end and we were still friends, but the experience reminds me today of how life accelerates as I grow older. Hours turn into minutes. Weeks turn into days. Months and years seem to click by like days and weeks. And sometimes, it can seem a little scary. But I figured it all out not too long ago when I was waiting at the airport for one kid or another. As you draw closer to life’s end you need to speed up. You need the speed and momentum for a good take-off.

Grandpa Larry is, of course, Larry Berger, (see his book above) and some of his poems and stories, and an archive of pseudo news articles, are online at Happy Spring.

– Larry Berger, HashtagWV May 2017.

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