Halfbaked N’ Bothered: Notes From The Pigeon Hole by Margaret Baker

spy pigeon
Photo Credit: snappedshot.com/ghost/kwx

Because I watched a thriller called “Sea of Love” with Al Pacino and Ellen Barkin, Netflix has decided that I am a ‘steamy midlife crisis serial killer’ sort of consumer and sends me movie recommendations reflecting my ‘steamy midlife crisis serial killer’ tastes. I’m not entirely comfortable with that profile.

I decided to revisit classic films I have loved to see if I can come up with a more fitting category for myself:

Casablanca: Nazi driven cheating barfly… No, I’ll pass.
African Queen: Nautical leach-infested passionate prude… Not quite it.

Gone with the Wind: Hokey Southern accented curtain wearing gold digger…. Better but…

Streetcar Named Desire: Horny light bulb-phobic sweaty tee obsessed seductress … Sold!

Netflix will of course leak my preferences to merchandisers so if I decide to watch all four on a rainy weekend I will be bombarded with ads for insect repellant, Halogen lights, drapery couture and Aryan Nation martini glasses. Or will they bundle the information and just try to sell me a vibrator?

I am further subjected to being summarized by strangers every time I use a Rewards Card. Here’s how it works. If I use a Rewards Card to buy Natural Peanut Butter, the bar code zapping unit delivers a pulsating tingle to the thighs of the big boys in corporate causing them to dash to a chalkboard and squiggle down a bunch of square root and pi signs which are fed into the Ludicrous Logarithm Matrix and it is concluded that I am a target market for Reece’s cups (due to peanut butter content) and cruelty free cosmetics ( implied natural) whereby coupons for these products arrive in the mail. Now if I buy Pork’n Beans, I get coupons for barbecue potato chips (junk), Vienna sausages (pork junk), and again, Reece’s Cups (sugar junk). In that instance the Ludicrous Logarithm technician wee wees in his whitey tighties, runs back to the blackboard and gets to put Reece’s cups in the center of a big Venn Diagram. I am forever after locked into the label Reece’s Cup Compatible and the Reece’s Cup icon will reside by my name in perpetuity.

If you think that process is warped, discover how American citizens become niche slapped into potential terrorists. First of all they train pigeons in teeny tiny headsets to listen to our phone conversations and if the pigeon hears the word BACKPACK it presses a bar and gets a sesame seed. If the pigeon hears the word BOMB it presses a bar and gets a Fruit Loop. If the pigeon hears the word FERTILIZER it presses a bar and gets an Altoid. If a pigeon hears all three, an FBI agent presses a bar, gets a suppository and you get free room and board at Guantanamo. I’ll probably get body scanned on my next flight just for writing this paragraph. Will I also receive online advertisements for paraphernalia enjoyed by Treasonous Whistle Blowers of Pigeon Espionage?

The human race is in danger of being defined by data. To quote the X Files we are “at the mercy of anyone or anything that cannot be programmed categorized or easily referenced.” Spontaneity is a virus. Whimsey is a worm. Personally, I’d like to see impulsive decisions, meandering off script and turning on a dime get some respect. I want us to be happy being the quivering mass of variables we are. I know I’m just an old fashioned steamy midlife crisis serial killer but that’s what I want.

– Margaret Baker @ LBSPY #39 (Aug 12-26th, 2013)

LBSPYWRITERMARGARETBAKER

  •   
  •   
  •   
  •   

Submit a Comment

Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterEmail this to someonePrint this pageShare on Google+Share on LinkedIn

EXTRA VALUE W/ HASHTAGWV! WE REACH 123,000 PEOPLE 3X A DAY ON THE RADIO!

Christina runs an "Event Spotlight" on 95.3FM , 93.3FM WKCJ Oldies, and 103.1FM THE BEAR. This spotlight airs 3x a day (Monday-Friday) on both stations. 95.3FM reaches 45,000 listeners daily in Beckley, Greenbrier County, Monroe County, Summers County, and some of Mercer County!!! 103.1FM has been serving 78,000 listeners everyday in the Greenbrier Valley of West Virginia and the Alleghany Highlands of Virginia since 1983. We distribute 7,000 full color, free papers across 5 counties. Ad rates start at just $20! Click here for MEDIA KIT  

‘Tis the Season to B Sweet. WIN a Dozen Cupcakes!!! Pick us up this December!

‘Tis the Season to B Sweet. Pick us up this December! - ‘Tis the season to b sweet! Pick us up this December 2017 for a chance to WIN a dozen cupcake from B Sweet Confectionery in White Sulphur Springs! Also this month, we feature musician Kodie Brooks, Stuart’s Smokehouse, wine for the holidays, and so much more! Find your events at hashtagwv.com/agenda – HashtagWV #96 December […]

Stay Updated!

Thinking about advertising? Sign up today for the latest HASHTAG news!
  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.
"Over the last 10 years, we have tried several avenues for advertising. Beyond a doubt, our greatest return has been through HASHTAGWV. Whether it be in the HASHTAGWV print edition, or online, our customers, both locals and tourists, really do look for this media form to be in tune with what’s going on in the area and for destination shopping. Advertising with LBSPY (now HASHTAG) has unequivocally been a great asset for our business!" - Craig Miller w/ Serenity Now Outfitters. Ad rates start at just $20! Click here for MEDIA KIT  

LBMEDIAKIT
lbspy-featured-events-music
lbspy-festivals
LBSPY-Testimonials1
Patrick4CMPLTshrp "LBSPY is the best thing that has happened in Greenbrier County since I have been here for seven years. Maybe the whole state.... a first class operation and a lot of hard work," Patrick O'Flaherty (pictured above), The Irish Pub, Lewisburg, WV

Donating = Loving

LBSPY remains D.I.Y. in nature and it takes hundreds of hours a month to research and write, and thousands of dollars to sustain. If you find any joy and value in it, please consider making a one time or recurring monthly donation of your choosing, between a cup of coffee at The Wild Bean and a good dinner at Food & Friends
Adam DeGraff "LB Spy always has their finger on the pulse of this community!" - Adam Degraff (pictured above), (The Weight/ The Dueling Fiddlers / Pianafiddle)

Instagram

  • 'Tis the season to eat treats... 'n b sweet! Pick us up this December & enter to WIN a dozen cupcakes @bsweetconfectionery!!
...
#lewisburg #lewisburgwv #bsweet #bsweetconfectionery #cupcakeshop #cupcaketime #cupcakeparty #whitesulphursprings #gotowv #greenbriercounty #wv_igers #igers_of_wv #appalachianmountains #wildandwonderful #dogsagram #hashtagwv #fiestaware #cockerspanielcuties #cockerspanielsrule #christmasfeels #holidayz
  • We had a great time judging this year's Lewisburg Christmas Parade alongside Courtney Smith w/ #GVFoundation and #Senator Stephen Baldwin. Congratulations #Neathawk Lumber for best float, #EGMS for best band, and everyone else!! And BIG thanks to @thehubstudentcafe for hosting another successful parade! photo cred: @highrocks_edcorp
...
#lewisburg #lewisburgwv #gotowv #greenbriercounty #igers_of_wv #wv_igers #christmasy #shoplocally #christmasparade2017 #christmasparades #smalltownlifestyle #smallbusinessesrock #communityevent #christmasmoodon🎄
  • Daniel Guzman is the winner of this beautiful 7 1/2 ft tall #CrickmerFarms Fraser Fir Christmas Tree! Pick up your award winning tree, wreaths, advent wreaths, garland, swags, and center pieces @countryroadscrossfit in Lewisburg WV!
...
#lewisburg #lewisburgwv #gotowv #greenbriercounty  #wv_igers #igers_of_wv #appalachianmountains #getoutandplay #explorelife #christmastreehunting #christmastreegiveaway #christmasy #smalltowns #smallbusinessesrock #christmastreefarm #santaclaus🎅

Follow Us!

LBSPY ARTICLES

Share the Love

Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterEmail this to someonePrint this pageShare on Google+Share on LinkedIn

Wonder How LBSPY Remains Free?

WONDER HOW LBSPY REMAINS FREE? - Wondering how LBSPY gets published and distributed FREE every 2 weeks in print and online? Do we have wealthy parents or did one of us seduce a millionaire? No. Are we financed by bank loans or grant money? Nope, not that either. Until we hit it BIG in the lotto, every issue of LBSPY comes […]