I was heading home one cold rainy night in November; headed through Alderson to Route 64 … and back to Lewisburg. As I was driving along Highland Trail (Rt 63), I could see a sign up ahead in the distance. Stuart’s Smokehouse & Dawgs. I’d heard about the infamous and legendary Stuart’s hot dogs in Alderson, but I’d never been there before. As soon as I saw the marquee that read, “Cold Food, Warm Beer, and Ugly Women”, I knew I had to check it out. If it wasn’t raining, I’m sure I would have seen a lot motorcycles in the parking lot too. My kinda place for sure. I might be a little partial, but bikers are the best people I know.
As I walked in the door, right away I felt at home. People laughing, talking and eating. The bar was crowded and the food smelled awesome. It was Saturday night. A band was setting up to play. The first thing I noticed was that the women weren’t ugly at all. They were actually very pretty. Now, that leaves two. Is the food really cold, and is the beer warm? I doubt it. The staff was friendly and there wouldn’t be these many people coming to this place if that was the case.
Once I was seated at a booth, my waitress came to my table, brought me a menu and asked if I would like something to drink. I’m not one to stare, but remember I said the women here were pretty? Well, not so for my waitress. Probably the ugliest waitress I’d ever seen.
As my waitress went to get my drink, I opened the menu. The first thing I saw was an appetizer. It simply read, “Hog Balls”. Right away, my mind formed the words, ‘’Holy sh*t’’ . I kinda mouthed the words. The first thing that came to mind was the movie where Chevy Chase ate all of those ‘’Mountain Oysters’’. For a minute there, I thought I might be in the wrong place. As I read on, I painstakingly checked the ingredients v e r y v e r y carefully. No, not the same thing at all. . . so, I ordered them. This is what they are: 2 Huge , (‘’Yeah, HUGE, Baby. We’re talkin’ HUGE !!!’’), 1/4lb seasoned meatballs, (Yep. Each one. 1/4 x 2 = 1/2 pound- Didn’t know there’d be a quiz, didja?), made with ground pork and beef, hickory smoked with Stuart’s special barbecue sauce. I would have to say they tasted like a cross between a good homemade meatloaf and a meatball. Primo good. 100% Grade A+
Hot Dawgs and other Fare
I heard the hot dawgs here, were legendary. I knew they used World Famous Nathan’s of New York All Beef Dawgs. . . but Stuart knew the magic of cooking the perfect dawg. I decided I’d order two hot dogs. I ordered the Stuart’s Dawg. That had a Nathan’s all beef hot dog, Stuart’s Chili, mustard & onions. The other one; the River Dawg. On that; a Nathan’s all beef hot dog, Stuart’s Chili & coleslaw. Both on toasted English hot dog rolls. I ordered a draft beer. As I sat at the bar, waitin’ on my dawgs, I had a beer with my ugly waitress. It was gettin’ late so it was okay. I decided to ask the question that I wanted to ask all night. . . so I said to the waitress, ‘’Do you think ketchup belongs on a hotdog?’’ This is what he said, ‘’ Well, we’re not really three, four or five years old anymore now, are we’’? I have to agree with him . . and Dirty Harry. Ketchup has no business on a hotdog. Jeremy might be ugly, but he is funny as hell. He was an excellent waitress . . . and every piece of food that passed through my pie hole, to the furnace below was unbelievably outtasight.
Photo above: Stuart’s Smokehouse Ugly Waitress Jeremy.
Summation & Verdict
Cold Food. . . Warm Beer . . . Ugly Women ??? Myth busted . . but don’t let it get around. They got a reputation to keep. Don’t take my word for it. Check it out for yourself. Maybe I’ll see ya there. Peace . . . Oh, yeah. One more thing . . . They got 21 TV’s and feature most all sporting events. Different ‘All You Can Eat’ nights, featuring different seafood, ribs or other entrees depending on the night and the season. Local bands, and karaoke DJ some nights. Beltsander races, tons of local charity events. Catering (in large quantities if necessary) . . . and Stuart’s Dawgs Annual Hot Dog Eating Contest. Wow! That was a lot to say in a few senten . . . I’m outta breath. Ok. Last, but not least, I’d like to say, “Happy Christmas and a Wonderful New Year to the staff and new found friends at Stuart’s Smokehouse . . . and dawgs.’’ -the Random Prophet
Stuart Brugh (Owner)
Amanda Hall (Manager)
Jeremy Urban (Ugly Waitress)
Rachel Ratliff (Pretty Waitress)
Mike Garland (Kitchen)
the Random Prophet (Man in Crowd/Narrator)
– The Random Prophet.